I recently had a few conversations that provided stark evidence of what happens when we choose to keep ourselves in the “comfort” zone of pain. We can call this choice “subconscious”…but it’s really more properly an un-conscious reaction. It’s conditioning,, and it continues simply because we don’t take the time to examine and become aware of it so we can do something about it.
Don’t get me wrong…I’m not talking about some overtly masochistic, twisted mental condition where some people derive pleasure from pain. Pain hurts, and it’s unpleasant. That’s why we call it pain (duh). But we’ve conditioned ourselves to react in a certain way to circumstances, and it’s that reaction that brings the discomfort.
It really reminds me of the character “Nelson” on the Simpsons TV show. Nelson’s a bully, and he often grabs a weaker kid’s hand and uses it to slap the wimp silly while saying, “Stop hitting yourself!” Except in this case, we’re 
playing the parts of both the bully and the wimp. Unless somebody is actually beating us over the head with a two-by-four at the moment, it’s always our reaction that causes pain.
In some cases this reaction can sound reasonable on the surface. If there’s a Nelson in your life who, every time he’s around picks on you, acts superior, puts you down…that’s not cool. Maybe it makes you feel badly about yourself. But does it? Does it “make” you do anything? Who is in control of your thoughts and emotions? The bully? I don’t think so, unless he’s some comic-book mutant with the power of mind-control. Nope. It’s all you. What he does or says doesn’t need to have anything to do with how you feel.
One dear friend I spoke with recently told me that if he did nothing about the bully, then the a-hole would think that he (my friend) was weak, or would think that he (the bully) was indeed superior somehow. What I say to that is, who the f*ck cares what the bully thinks? He’s going to think what he’s going to think, and nothing you can do is going to change that. In fact, that reaction… that display of pain is exactly what the bully wants. The reaction is what feeds his negativity…promotes it, in fact. Your reaction might involve simply not being there in the same place where the bully is. Avoiding negativity can be a sound strategy…but if it means disrupting your life, the bully has definitely “won” – but it doesn’t matter if he sees it that way or not. If you’re running away and doing things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do out of avoidance, in your head you’re assigning the bully as the “winner”…and yourself as the loser. Much better to learn to simply not react in the way that causes you pain. You don’t need to do that any more.
Furthermore, this doesn’t just apply to other people who are in our lives rght now. The bully might be a past memory that you keep dredging up. He might be someone who’s been dead for 50 years. Maybe he’s a mistake that you made 20 years ago (or even in a past life – those take some specialized work). It’s all the same: it’s your reaction to it that produces the pain.
All of this isn’t really some far-out woo-woo crap; it’s simple logic. Think about it. This is stuff you learned in kindergarten: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” This is absolutely true, isn’t it?…but not if you’re hooked on the drama, and the rush you get from being offended, or having something to bitch about, or to use to deny that you’re responsible for yourself. How dis-empowering is that?
Are you smarter than a first-grader? At some point, you were taught that words and thoughts, even those we only assume are being thought, can hurt. It may be time to wake up to the fact that you’re feeling the blows from imaginary sticks and stones.
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Thanks Justin. I like web work, but it was a lot of…work. Glad you like it.
Yeah, people are only ready when they’re ready, and sometimes they need to manifest some real crap to get them moving. But it all comes in perfect order.
I like the new design of your site Michael. Wow, been there and done that before. I see many folks staying in unhealthy jobs, relationships, marriages and so on because the pain of change is greater than the current state of unhappiness.
Eventually many will leave their jobs, spouses and so on and then they beat themselves over their head wondering why they didn’t do it sooner.
Yeah, the world is full of them. Just a matter of learning to handle ’em.
Don’t know why I have to keep approving you gals’ comments. I’ll check the settings.
Hi Michael –
Oh dear. That kind of reminds me of high school when I had to tell myself over and over again.”It’s THEM, not ME.” I went to an all girls’ school and the sentiment was toward the boys at the all boys’ school. Looking back on it, it was a little of both, but expressing the sentiment kept me from taking it personally.
Lindsay – I had an atrociously passive aggressive co-worker at my last job who smiled to my face and tore me to shreds to management behind my back – exaggerating and lying. I allowed myself to feel upset about this for entirely too long. Of course at the end I got fired, so! Finally I realized that actually I felt sorry for her – she was lashing out at me only because I represented some things she would never have, and she hated me for it (namely, children. Plus I’m kind of a haughty witch with all of those degrees, etc). Furthermore sometimes people take one look at your light and hate you for it, they don’t want it, they reject it. If you look at it that way you can bounce their energy right back at them by surrounding your heart with mirrors every morning. Just ask mother Mary and she’ll put her Thrones to work for you, remember?
Hi Lindsay.
Well, nobody ever said it was easy. But it is doable – I know, because I’ve done it….with people and memories and all that.
Takes practice, I guess. One of my favorites is to smile angelically at them when they think they’re getting to you. Drives ’em nuts. That’s not ideal, because you’re still reacting…but it could lead to you being able to see that they’re like the terrors in the Harry Potter movie, and when you laugh at them they evaporate.
Feel better soon.
Couldn’t have had better timing for me, as I am dealing with a bully at work and just feel so disempowered by the whole situation. But who is taking my power away? Well, obviously it’s ME. But how to stop it? How can I stop being so fucking sensitive and just let things roll off my back with no emotional reaction?