Unleashing The Beast

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     It seems like ages since I’ve written anything.  I could pass it off as laziness; or better yet, lack of inspiration.  But the truth is, I’ve known for some time that there was this thing I had to write about but didn’t want to.  Furthermore, I knew it had to be written before I could continue with much of anything else.  That’s how important it is…at least to me.

     Since this first happened to me, oh, maybe a month or two ago, I will admit that it’s faded a bit and doesn’t seem as earth-shaking as it did when it was fresh.  I was initially afraid to write about it because as I saw it then, it would have put off a lot of people and perhaps cause them to think ill of me.  But now that it’s had time to mellow and ferment, the edge is off and I can write it so innocuously that this whole post may elicit no more than a yawn from the reader.  So I’ve gone from one kind of insecurity to another.  That’s OK.  I’ll do my best to convey the importance, and trust that sufficient impact remains that the lesson will still seem important.

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     One night I lay in bed trying to sleep.  This is the time when a lot of good stuff comes to me…that gray period when you’re most open to the subconscious, but still awake enough to consciously recognize what comes up.

     I was troubled.  There were (always are) things that weren’t working out the way I wanted them to.  Business things…family things…personal things.  Since I know that I create my own circumstances, it stood to reason that I was to “blame” for these deficiencies.  It had to be me that was inadequate, incompetent, and foolish.  I had asked the Universe, my Higher Self, and my guides to help me, to tell me what to do next, and I had got shit for answers.  I had stated my intentions – I knew better than to beg, because that is disempowering.  But on the other hand, what is more disempowering than to repeatedly stand up before the cosmos and make a clear statement of what I intend to have happen, and get silence in return?  Surely all of Creation was snickering up its sleeve at me.

     From all the teachings, the spiritual twitterings and bloggerings and natterings and naggings and cheerful smiley-face stickers pasted on all the Facebook Angel Hugs and chubby, laughing-Buddah-child websites and crystal-healing indigo brat pages…what I had been told was that happiness is mine for the doing.  For all pain comes from the ego…let it go, care not.    Peace.  Love. Compassion.  Eh?

     But finally, on this fitful, sleepless night, my frustration reached what must have been a critical mass and something broke loose as suddenly as an ice-jam in February.  Silently in my head, seething with anger, I let go the rampant beasts within me…the ones I’ve thought had to be controlled at any cost.  The heavy oaken doors of my will flew open and out they sprang; snarling, fangs glistening with hatefulness.  Lightning bolts spat violently into the dark void from my crown chakra.  A steady stream of energy, an indescribable force like a raging river of frothing light streamed from my third eye, batting aside whatver was unfortunate enough to be within its trajectory.  My rage shook the very foundations of the Universe.  I didn’t care.  I let it flow, reveled in its intensity, bathed in the glorious heat of its passion.

      And then a strange thing happened.  As suddenly as the explosion had begun, it stopped.  A peace I’d never felt before fell over me like a soft, warm blanket.  What is this?  Should I not now spend days or weeks regretting my hatefulness?  Wouldn’t penance be necessary to make up for my destructive fit of rage, my inability to control the dark beast within me that I had spent so much futile effort trying to tame?

     The answer came softly, and the Universe was praying to me:  “No.  No punishment.  No regret.  No shame.  For now you see yourself clearly.  This is you.  You will never again deny this part of you.  Yes, you will change; for you are eternally alive, and life is change.  But now you will see all of what you are, and you will accept it.  It is neither bad nor good – it is you, and you are all of it.  This is what is meant by Acceptance.  Complete and absolute.  This is peace.  This is love.  This is compassion.”

    I wondered at this lesson as I drifted off to sleep.  It seemed so obvious now.  Complete acceptance.

     Sometimes we know when we have reached a milestone on the path to spiritual maturity.  This was one for me, and I suspect that it is one that you will one day experience, if you haven’t already.  You may think you already know this lesson…but trust me, chances are you don’t – not really.  You will be well-served to seek out the demon within you, track him down.  Take a good look at him, and love him – horns, hooves  and all.  Because you created him, and he is your spiritual flesh and blood.  Love him, accept him, and be made whole.

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