A Conversation with my Self

Recently I was having an email conversation with a friend of mine, another Soul Realignment practitioner.  Being a very kind and sensitive soul, she’d noticed and understood some of the issues, both personal and professional, I’ve been struggling with.  Yes…teachers and healers still have their problems.  It’s called being human and it never stops completely.  Even after the blocks and restrictions have been cleared at soul level, one has imprints on one’s emotional and mental bodies left by those negativities to be worked on.  Sort of a fine tuning.

My friend said that she recognized herself in my frustration, and had a suggestion.  Her approach for herself is to try and work with the “inner child”; the old hurts and fears that we’ve never really dealt with properly.

This sounded faily reasonable to me, but at first I had some automatic resistance, simply because it sounded a lot like conventional psychotherapeutic boilerplate.  “Conventional” has never worked well for me.

I thought about this for a while.  If I took this view as valid, how would I separate the child from the rest of me?  I intuitively do know when I’m being immature.  But how would I take those thoughts and emotions and bundle them up to look like a childish version of myself who I could then address?

As always, I set the problem aside for a few days to ferment in the back spaces of my head.  Amazing what can happen when you do that…provided you don’t let it lay there too long.  Old rotten ideas stink to high heavens.

This morning, as is my custom, I went out to my thinking spot on the deck with my coffee and cigarette (yes, I smoke – don’t worry about it).  There’s one place by the railing where I lean and stare out through the woods – it’s as close to blank as my mind gets.  Works a lot better than sitting staring at a candle, for me.  Anyhow, this particular spot must be in a good reception area…sort of like moving around ’til you get a good cell phone signal, because I get a lot of downloads standing there.

Anyhow, this morning that concept of the inner child and who he really is floated to the front.  Then it came to me that it might be easier to figure out who he isn’t.  Is there a grownup to be found who’s trying to help this little boy to grow up?

“Duh.”  It was my Higher Self chiming in.  I hasten to specify that I don’t hear voices…my downloads are thoughts, but of a certain quality that I recognize.

Me: “Duh?  Elucidate, oh  wise one.”  I’m rather disresepectful with my soul, but he understands.  We are equals in many ways, after all.

Higher Self: “It’s me, dude.  I’m the grownup.”

I thought for a second. “Hmmm.  You know, that makes sense.”

Higher Self: “Of course it does.  Think about it.  I’ve been around for thousands of lifetimes.  I’ve been places and done things that you couldn’t even imagine.  I’ve traveled to the farthest reaches of the Universes, and seen dimensions you never will.  I’ve been a warrior, a rich man, a king and a beggar.  Believe you me: I’ve been around, kid!  Don’t you think I’ve learned a few things in all that?”  I visualized my spirit guides in the background, giving the thumbs-up and nodding.

Me: “OK, I’ll buy that.  But in that case, what good am I?  You have all those experiences to draw from.  What could you possibly still need to learn, especially from living such a life as this? ”  I knew the answer, but I love trying to put my HS on the spot.

Higher Self: “(sigh)  You know that…don’t be cute.  You see, there it is:  only a child won’t admit that he knows something.  A child wants to be lead by the hand, to feel safe and protected…to be told that everything’s going to be all right…to throw a tantrum and be noticed.  But you know that too, goddammit!  There it is.  You’re a child because you look outside yourself for comfort.  I’m a part of you – this is something you know too.  And so, why do you look for your Father to take your hand and lead you, when you have me, all bundled up like a cohesive software package?  And furthermore, you know all that, too!”

He was right, as always.  I do know all that.  It’s the ego, the image we construct, that tells the story that I call “I”.  That “I” doesn’t want to admit it knows anything, because that just sounds like too much work.  I (we) want to be shown the way, to be lead by the hand into safety.  But outwardly, there is no safe place.  Only by becoming the adult that we really are can we find the place where nothing, no one, no evil nor negativity can touch us.

My own teacher recently told me that I need to begin spending less time with my teachers, and more time with my students.  There comes a time when, if we look deeply enough, we know what we know, and we know that we know enough to move forward.  That’s when we begin to grow up.

As I approached the “sign-off” point in this conversation with my Higher Self, I sensed there was yet a loose end in all this.

Me: “Even though I know you’re really me…still, in this kind of reality we’re separate in a sense.  You and my guides have been helping me so much lately; is there anything I can do for you?”

There was an instant of ultimate stillness; a calmness that exists only in the Infinite…then a burst of joy the color of sunflowers, the scent of lilacs.  “Only this:  remember there’s no shame in the process of growing to be a man, no matter how old your body is.  And as you cast off the childishness, never lose the childlikeness.  Out here there are no cigarettes, no coffee or women to look at…no motorcycles nor amusement parks, no rainy days.  Enjoy the playground we’ve built for you, because recess is still part of your schooling…boy.”

All that was left was a Cheshire Cat-like smile hanging suspended against the trees at the edge of the lawn.  I realized it was cold standing out there on the deck, but I had another cigarette, sipped the cold coffee, and wondered what teach/learning the rest of the day would bring.  The man I am had blessed the child I am.  I felt ready for anything, and I felt that everything was ready for me.  So it shall be.